teeganjack's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dreams Teegan shot upright in the darkness, her heart pounding, she rubbed her eyes and reached for the lamp. The dreams had been coming one after another for a week now. Vivid dreams, the kind where you're not sure if they are real or not. Teegan rolled over to Jack's side of the bed, it was cold and empty. Jack was out of town on a business trip. This was the first of four nights Teegan was going to be alone. Resting her head on Jacks pillow, Teegan thought about her dream. She was five, hiding under her grandmothers table in a make shift fort drawing pictures. Her uncle Doug, her fathers younger brother was in his early twenties, he'd crawled under the table with her and was keeping her company as she drew. He drew her a picture of her father, his nose had been exaggerated like Pinocchio. "Your dad has a big nose! Lucky you didn't inherit that" He laughed. Teegan reached up and rubbed her nose. Then her drew a picture of a fat lady jumping into a swimming pool. "Who's that?" Teegan giggled. "That's your mum, when she jumps in all the water will jump out." Teegan giggled again "My mummy isn't fat!" "Yes she is" Doug replied flatly. Teegan began to cry, "What? it's true! Everyone gets fat when they grow up, look at my tummy!" Doug laughed and patted his beer gut. Teegan touched her own tummy, and then the dream warped into something far darker. Teegan began to grow suddenly, like Alice when she drank the poison. Only Teegan wasn't growing up, she was growing out. Her clothes ripped with the strain and her arms grew rolls and rolls of fat. Her neck disappeared into her face. "I don't want to grow up!!" She'd screamed as she'd woken. Teegan had spent years trying to uncover the root of her disorder. The doctors had told her it was probably because of her mothers death. That Teegan had been so young, her brain hadn't developed the coping methods to deal with such a trauma so she'd developed an eating disorder as an armor. Teegan had never really bought into it. Maybe this was it. As a child, she'd thought of her mother as beautiful, she'd never believed the cruel jokes her uncle made, until her fathers two other brothers joined in. Teegan had spent years listening to her uncles joke about her beautiful mothers weight. It seemed, to Teegan's young ears that her uncles didn't really like fat people, nor her mother. Teegan wondered if at such a young age she'd come to the conclusion that if she was fat people wouldn't like her or that being an adult meant being fat. Why was she only remembering these things now? She hadn't thought about her uncles in years, She'd began to grow apart from her fathers side of the family a few years after her mother's death and hadn't spoken to them for easily ten or eleven years. Teegan didn't remember her mother being fat. Teegan remembered her looking glamorous as she headed out with her friends, she remembered the frail lady tangled in wires in the hospital beds. She didn't remember her being fat. Daisy climbed up onto the bed and nudged her head under Teegans hand. Teegan obliged and rubbed her ears. "Just me and you kidda, glad you're here and I'm not completely alone" Maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame? Teegan sighed. "Good night Jack, I miss you" She said a loud as she reached for the light. This was going to be a long four days.
10:24 a.m. - 2010-09-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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