teeganjack's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The stench "Daisy get out!!" Teegan's voice strained as she retched and heaved. Daisy didn't budge. She stood there, cold nose against the back of Teegan's knees looking up at her mistress as she drained her insides. Strawberry ice cream, marshmallows and pop corn. Shooting pains stabbed through Teegan's ear with every contraction of her stomach muscles as the acidic vomit shot out of her throat, past her fingers and into the toilet. Without missing a beat she shooed Daisy out of the tiny bathroom with her free hand and slid the door shut. Daisy, managed to nudge it open again within seconds. No privacy in this house. What the fuck am I doing? Teegan hadn't binged and purged in a long time. With every disgusting mouthful that came up, Teegan felt guilt and relief in equal measures. Something about tonight was different, something about the emptiness of the apartment, the rain and the darkness residing deep inside her that convinced her subconsciousness that she needed it. I should have just gone to the stupid party, ear ache or no ear ache Teegan slumped on the floor her heart pounding so hard it felt as if it would burst out of her chest. She stared at the mess she'd made, vomit had splattered everywhere. There was nothing in the least bit attractive about Bulimia. "Fuck" she sighed. Jack had gone to a friends birthday party. She should have gone too but after a long day of being on her feet at work, her ear felt like it was going to explode. She felt so out of it, and was certain that she would just be no fun to be around. It was better to stay home and be miserable than bring everyone down. Jack wanted to stay home with her, but she'd insisted that at least one of them should go. They hadn't seen their friends for a real night out in a long time and there was no point in ruining his night too. Teegan probably could've gone but she'd convinced herself that they weren't really her friends anyway, they were Jacks and she was sure they all thought she was a little weird to say the least. Teegan had an over active imagination at the best of times. She was fine with it at first, but as the night dragged on, she became restless. She'd already watched two crappy Nicholas Sparks type chick flicks and was on to the third. She'd found herself wandering back and fourth to the kitchen opening and closing the cupboards, only to find them bare. She wasn't really hungry, but she needed something to ease the boredom. Around 9.30 she'd put Daisy on her leash and was heading across the road to 7eleven. Her heart raced and her hands trembled as she filled her arms with anything that looked like it would be sugar filled and sickly sweet. By 10.30 she was naked on the bathroom floor surrounded by the stench of vomit. Teegan reached up behind her and grasped the edge of the sink, gingerly she pulled herself to her feet and began the process of cleaning up the evidence. Bleach in the toilet bowl, the tiles on the floor and the outside of the toilet meticulously cleaned. She couldn't afford to miss a spot - how would she explain it to Jack? He would be so heart broken. Jack knew all about Teegan's past. She'd always been open, and maybe a little too honest - especially when drunk about exactly who she had been. Jack had never really said how he felt about it. He would just pull her in close and tell her that she was beautiful and that he loved her. He gave Teegan a sense of security and acceptance that she'd never had before. He'd never once made her feel guilty for the person that she'd been. He'd played a bigger part than he could ever know in her managing to come so far in the last few years. Teegan loved him more than life its self. It hurt her so much that she was becoming so selfish, that she was letting this stupid sickness win again, but she couldn't stop. Teegan stumbled into the shower and turned the faucets as far as they would go. She let the boiling water pound her skin as she brushed her teeth and tried to scrub the stench off her. What have I done? Teegan had joined the gym a few months ago, in the hope that it would keep her sane, stop her from going down this path again. Holding onto the belief that if she just exercised that she'd be able to eat without feeling guilty and she could get in shape for the wedding without this happening. Oh how wrong she'd been. The gym had changed her body in ways she'd never expected. Where there was once bone protruding there was layer upon layer of muscle. Her legs were solid, and her arms were hard and toned. She'd gained six kilos of muscle in 2 months, and only lost a kilo of fat - which when Karma was sick, and she didn't have time for cardio she'd gained back and then some. Every morning the scales would blink a higher number than the day before. No matter how hard Teegan tried to reassure herself that it was just muscle, that it was a good kind of weight she was gaining, she felt worse. Teegan had remained at the same weight for so long that seeing it shoot up so quickly knocked the wind out of her. She looked fantastic, she knew she looked stronger and healthier than she'd ever had, but it wasn't enough, she wanted to be healthy and strong and tiny all at the same time. Teegan had considered quitting the gym, but she was worried that the muscle would just turn to fat and she'd look like a whale on her wedding day. She just kept telling herself if she tried harder, if she ate less, she could have it all. She just had to get in control of herself. Yet at lunch time she'd find herself reaching for the nearest sugar filled snack she could find as her energy levels plummeted. Teegan wasn't stupid, she knew exactly what she should be eating, but most days her brain would over ride her will power and send her racing for the snack corner in the office. What am I going to do? Teegan turned off the water and reached for a hair mask, maybe if she pampered herself a little she'd feel a bit better. She massaged the creamy macadamia nut treatment through her hair and wrapped it in a towel. She plonked herself on the sofa with Karma and reached for a cigarette. Tomorrow is a new day, I'll quit in the morning....I'll quit everything in the morning
10:09 p.m. - 2010-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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